urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76 waiting in vain waiting in vain 2005-04-04T15:58:20Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:122033 2005-04-04T15:58:20Z 2005-04-04T15:58:20Z no i didn't fall off the face of the earth...<br /><br />i just totally forgot to say that i got a new journal. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/layawakeinlust1/">layawakeinlust1</a> <br /><br />so add that if you wish. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:121728 2005-02-27T07:05:17Z 2005-02-27T07:05:17Z at 12:15 am...someone started blasting under my skin by frank sinatra on our street. <br />i look out the window and can't see a thing, and since i do live in wrigleyville, i just think it's a bunch of drunk people...but i secretly hoped to look outside and see the cutest thing in the world. <br /><br />so the song finally ended...and my roomie screams through the walls "shants did u see that?" <br />and i didn't. <br /><br />it was like a 60 year old couple dancing on a street corner. <br /><br /><b>it's the zsa zsa zsu</b><br /><br />and it's totally in the air tonight because i totally feel it/felt it. <br /><br />and it gives me hope...=) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:121407 2005-02-18T08:08:54Z 2005-02-18T08:08:54Z So i worked my ass off today at the gym. Pushed my body a bit...and it was awesome. <br />Then i hung out in the steam room...well when i first got in there, there was only one other girl in there...so i was laying down..like spacing out. she left...still laying down, still spacing out..<br /><br />then in walk 2 extremely attractive men, they smile at me and sit down...half naked...in a room full of steam. me, 2 hot men, steam, half naked. <br /><br />if this was any other girl...it'd be like their dream come true...me, i freak the hell out. <br /><br />seriously, got that sick feeling in my stomach. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME. <br /><br />then another one walks in...and i try my hardest to stare at the ceiling and pretend like i'm okay...maybe i'd just been in there too long and i was disoriented..but i got up and left and i'm sure i looked psycho. <br /><br />totally totally unlike me...like, even if guys make me nervous they usually don't leave me disoriented like that. i swear, im blaming it on the steam...maybe it was the half naked thing. oh well. maybe it's because they were hot. that could be it...<br /><br />then i got a chocolate moo'd from jamba juice. and i was happy. <br /><br />I don't think it's funny that on my way to the gym I pass: <br />JCrew<br />Banana Republic<br />Crate and Barrel<br />CB2<br />The Gap<br />Express<br />Z Gallerie<br /><br />it's not funny. not at all...especially bc everytime i walk by BR i squeal in excitement and then realize i can't buy anything til lent is over. And CandB and CB2 are so damn cute, I can't wait til em and i live together and we get to decorate..<br /><br />speaking of which..i went over and hung out with kayte and em tonight. it was so much fun just hanging out with them and being able to talk bout being stupid girls and not feeling like an idiot for it...because we all know we're awesome and have a hold on things, we're just silly. <br /><br />i really like this sober thursday nights thing...it's nice to know how i got home, what i said to people, who i didn't hit or shove or want to hit, who i didn't try and make out with, how i didn't cry...it's great. <br /><br />oh and my boys are amazing...mmmkay just dave. i needed some sense knocked into me and he did so. it's nice to know i'm not a complete idiot. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:121271 2005-02-11T16:23:50Z 2005-02-11T16:23:50Z i'm writing this here because that way i know word won't get around back to him..<br /><br />so...he's a douche bag. seriously. and if i could i'd warn all women against him, but i know it's not worth it to stoop myself to that level and pull something stupid. better to know now before this got any worse. <br /><br /><br />let's hope i calm down by next tuesday, and let's hope he has the decency to not look me in the eye, or if he attempts to, i hope he feels like a dirty bastard. <br /><br />guys...if you're in a sort of intimate kinda thing with a girl<br />-don't not talk to her for a week then leave her messages saying things like "goodnight hon, i hope u feel better" <br />-don't booty call one of her good friends and not expect her to find out. because, she doesn't care what you're doing with someone else...as long as its not one of her friends. there are enough girls at loyola for you to have your fun, idiot. <br /><br />girls: check your resources, do a background check first...and if u find out he's done something similar to another acquaintance of yours...drop him. FAST. <br /><br />seriously, i've done some stupid things and been with some people who i wanted to put in the box of "pretend like it never happened" but you...you're an all time low. <br /><br />the reason why i agreed to to it, was because i thought you were respectful and genuine. not quite...not quite. and shame on me for my bad judgement of character...<br /><br />because i, deserve SO much better, even on just a physical level. because i am worth SO much more. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:120908 2005-01-19T14:56:19Z 2005-01-19T14:56:19Z it's WARM!!!! <br /><br />and by warm i mean 32 degrees that feels like 32 degrees. <br /><br />and you'd be thinking it was warm too if you've been experiencing an average of say hmm 7 degrees a day feeling like -2. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:120785 2005-01-18T03:11:34Z 2005-01-18T03:11:34Z what am i holding on to? what is there left?<br />an idea an obsession something to forget<br />made up excuses for unintentional feelings<br />i'll think of anything i can to have myself believing<br />in a dream that i blew up in my head<br /><br />should've known it from the start<br />nothing to do with matters of the heart<br />but the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair<br />triggered the mistake of feeling something there<br /><br />a fool to think that you'd come around<br />say something i know you never meant, i didn't hear a sound<br />the stars set up a catastrophe <br />to make me pretend to see<br />to see that it could be more than it was to be<br /><br />should've known it from the start<br />nothing to do with matters of the heart<br />but the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair<br />triggered the mistake of feeling something there<br /><br />something so good, something surreal<br />something i wish i didnt feel <br />something turned nothing into something but an idea in my mind<br /><br />a certain chemistry<br />the heat in the room, it was cold outside<br />a certain fantasy<br />it was a twice lost situation out of my mind<br /><br />so don't say goodbye<br />i'll miss you less everyday<br />so don't say goodbye<br />even though i'm better when youre away<br />-------------------<br /><br />it's hot when i rock it out. actually, it makes me want to cry. haha. but it sounds hot. <br />question...are there any open mics in this damn city that arent on monday nights? excluding the suburbs bc...i dont have a car and nobody else does which means nobody would go anyway. haha urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:120328 2005-01-11T06:36:48Z 2005-01-11T06:36:48Z <b>home.</b><br /><br /><br />in the past 25 days i was constantly reminded of what and who really matter in my life. i was reminded of what <b>true love</b> really is. i really have never ever heard anybody talk about their family the way we do and i think it's because a family like mine is really really rare. <br /><br />i joke around bout my how family is a mafia and if it was my father would be the head of it. and at first the joke was because of all the money that would just pop out of nowhere *its more like, my parents have amazing money management skills* but i saw over break that if it was anything...it'd be how much we all love each other and how thick blood is. <br /><br />the coolest thing is...by my family im not talking bout just my sister and my parents, i'm talking the extended family from my uncles to the ones we're not really sure how we're related to but we know we are and thats all that matters. <br /><br />we've got big hearts: we're one of those families who will clothe you, feed you, love you, invite you into our houses and extend any sort of hospitality towards you that we possibly can. <br /><br />i've known this for years. but i also got to see another side of us. because yes, we will do all of those things for you, but if you ever disrepect or seriously hurt any of us in any way, you'll wish you knew better. and it's not about violence...because we're smart enough to know that violence doesn't make anything better, but our tempers will come out straight from emotion and love for one another. lucky us or more like lucky you, we know how to think of what is important and make smart decisions. <br /><br />we're smart, professionals, well educated by the school known as life, well dressed and respectful. we do not hold grudges, and no matter what the drama is, if anyone of us needs anything we will always be there to help one another. we make each other laugh and at the same time, we love each other enough to put ourselves in our places when needed be. money isn't an issue, but if u need it, it's there. we like to go to church together and are firm believers in family dinners. we talk. we jam on our instruments. we support one another through good times and the shittiest times imaginable. we're proud of one another, you can see it our eyes. <br /><br />and the thing is...we'll welcome you into all of this. <br /><br />my father told me that he was still very much in love with my mother, and it made me almost wanna puke, but it gave me hope. my mom knows that guys like that my dad are rare and constantly tells me to never settle for less. my sister is growing up and is what i wished i was like when i was 14. i've realized how much i haven't appreciated them as much as i should, but that comes with growing up. and i've realized how lucky i am. <br /><br />i'll be home for easter and if you've never been to an easter party at my house, or a party at my house in general. stop by...we'll feed you and send you home with even more food. <br /><br />=) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:120281 2005-01-06T19:39:21Z 2005-01-06T19:47:32Z <img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe2b3bc7c500000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" alt="title or description" /> <br /><br />shanti, why are you wearing a hat when its like 70 something degrees at 8:30 at night? <br /><br />oh and only gina and mika would risk stupidity to make me a super cool sign and hold it for me at LAX. i heart them. <br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe1a64062a00000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /><br />you knew this picture was bound to happen....trouble always starts when i wear that scarf. by the way, my sister is all grown up. <br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe0473063200000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /><br />christmas party at my house...the kids who grew up together and their fathers. um dear dad, your daughter aka me, has had too many margaritas. <br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe0478870900000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /><br />fine. i guess i can look normal for one picture...<br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe0438874900000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /> <br />her and i are dangerous even when we dont have margaritas in us. especially when she attacks me in the kitchen. <br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df22b3127cce9dbe2ba5c75b00000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /><br />so who wants to marry one of us to get into the mafia? :) <br /><br /><img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5df27b3127cce9dac1fd7fdcb00000016108AZMmzZo1bNY" /><br />and finally...happy new year from the medinas<br /><br />this break has been almost everything i needed. when i say almost its because the stupid rain ruined my days at the beach plans. but a week where it was high 70s, a super fun craaazyy night/morning with erin, time with my old school kids, hanging out with val. nerd randomly showing up at my house to find out i wasnt there. being confined to a house with meeks, gi and tay. watching USC slaughter Oklahoma at EJ Malloys with my dad. Lots of family parties. cranium with my family, for such a musically talented family we cant hum for shit. so much time spent in that comfortable corner of the new sectional leather couch. the super cool makeover my house recieved. my father and my uncle joe seriously deleting every doubt in our minds that they were in the mafia. not being sick of my family yet. NICKS with mich...mmm. vanilla lattes from coffee bean. being too cool for jerks who used to give me shit. being awesome with awesome people. and laughing my ass off. <br /><br />socal, you treat me sooo well.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:120001 2004-12-30T00:27:55Z 2004-12-30T00:27:55Z you know what sucks when you're a good kid?<br /><br />your parents pick on you for the small things because they're the only things that you can't seem to do right. <br /><br />yes yes, that must be it. <br /><br />anyhow, socal freakin rocks my socks. <br /><br />EXCEPT. the fact that people dont know how to drive when it rains, therefore californians believe that they must stay inside and do absolutely nothing when its somewhat storming. <br /><br />i cant believe i left deja entendu in chicago. grrr...<br /><br />speaking of brand new. the more and more i think about it, the more and more i would like to make out with vinnie. <br /><br />i really like how its supposed to be in the 50s next week in socal. and in chicago. hmm..<br /><br />oh...and...who else is stoked for jan 4th?! yeaah...orange bowl. USC. fight on. <br /><br />oh. i got my kenneth cole necklace for christmas. and a kenneth cole rain coat. and napoleon dynamite. and some other stuff too. <br /><br />this is an extremely random post. but i shall end it with..<br /><br />i've got a new claim to fame...;) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:119788 2004-12-18T23:58:43Z 2004-12-18T23:58:43Z andrea is a horrible influence. she forced me to go out every single night of the week, using soul mates, drinking and being hot as reasons. HA. <br /><br /><br />so finals week was insanely stressful and a week of partying as well. don't ask how i manage to get everything done and still go out at night. oh yeah...its called lack of sleep, food and doped up on caffeine.<br /><br />seriously though...the past week has been so much fun starting from last friday til the thursday that i left. <br /><br />i'd like to say that i love CRAZY nights that turn into odd mornings that turn into horrible walk of shames/cab rides home and not walking into YOUR apartment door until 11:30 the next morning...THE LADY AT MCDONALDS LAUGHED AT ME. <br /><br />what happened tuesday night stays in tuesday night...oh but it's true. <br />chugging pints, 4 wounded dragons, a FREE rum and coke and a shot of 3 wise men...you know it was bound to get crazy. obviously we were a bit "warm" bc me and andrea danced on the dance floor at hamiltons when barely anybody else was on it...haha <br /><br />the next morning i got the lovely conversation of...<br />him: "i'm so glad you came over. now we have a bond we've never had before"<br />me:"you;re such a girl"<br />him: "you're such a guy! i'm surprised you dont have a penis...seriously" <br /><br />according to andrea im a nasty bitch. i dont like the word nasty. i'll think of another adjective<br /><br />but now im home...where its like 80 degrees and sunny and i think its summer. haha...come play! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:119322 2004-12-13T06:46:21Z 2004-12-13T06:47:43Z i had the time of my life last night. it's been a really long time where ive had a drama free night crazy fun night. good friends = good times. <br /><br />a very drunken moeller, whose line for the entire night should be "i tried, i tried real hard" a craaazzyy jennie rogers *who i love so dearly* gilmore who we have decided is very much an "ass" type of guy-just ask moeller or anyone who danced with him last night. oh...the times...<br />i thought of the part of the song "the first single" by the format where it says <br />"you know the night life is just not for me cause all you really need is a few good friends." <br />and i do love the nightlife...but its so much fun just to be idiots with people you adore. <br /><br />i am now the "a pint and then some" bottles of rolling rock girl. <br />AND last night i met this kid, well kinda met him. who i guess is friends with kasia, and he played his cd for us and he is absolutely amazing. like...if i could have a musical soul mate i would wish it to be him. so yeah, i bought his cd and ive been listening to it all day. sounds like...andrew mc mahon's voice *from soco* meets the stylings of dashboard confessional and straylight run. but he's just got his own vibe as well. <br />2 songs of his just really stick...one for the type of passionate nights i wish for and the other for those nights where u just click with someone and it makes things better. <br /><a href="http://www.finaljudgement.net/scratchedvinylinnocence">http://www.finaljudgement.net/scratchedvinylinnocence</a><br /><br />here's a piece from "dancing in black"<br />I ordered a Sex on the Beach and asked if you?d like a sip, and you said, "who do you think I am?<br />Some little girl that crosses all of her Ts and draws hearts for dots on her Is?<br />'cause if that?s the case, then you?re in for a big surprise"<br />I am thinking you?re a pretty west coast girl<br />You?ve been eyeing me all night, hoping that I?d find you standing alone and ask you to dance because...<br />I have been dying for so long for someone like you to come around<br />A nice girl who actually cares for me, who compliments my fine steps and individuality<br />One that can talk about stars and knows a few tricks or her own<br />One that understands my world, and girl, I think it?s wonderful that I am leaving with you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:119159 2004-12-09T18:09:08Z 2004-12-09T19:45:07Z mmm...7 days baby! we're in the final stretch of this hideous semester. <br /><br />so...i said i was gonna be home from dec. 16-29th. <br /><br />well...then USC decided they were going to the orange bowl, or theBCS did. and then andrea decided she wasnt going to be here for new years. then i realized how much i love warm weather, my family and how long its been since ive played with friends,how jae and leriss are gonna be out of town for christmas but are coming back in jan., how i really do need a break from chicago and work...and i changed my mind. <br /><br />sorry chicago....your girl knows where her heart is at this moment. <br /><b> i will be home from december 16-jan 10th.</b> <br /><br />lets play. =)<br /><br />quick edit: since im not taking viscomm 2 next semester *long story that i dont wanna talk bout* i realized...its the end of an era. long live art classes with him sitting to the right of me, harrassing me while professors try and talk, making me laugh when i shouldnt. *sigh* even though we're just friends...the thought of him not there in an art class makes me so sad. *tear* urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:119007 2004-12-07T16:53:54Z 2004-12-07T16:53:54Z something corporate<br />straylight run<br />the academy is<br />hidden in plain view<br /><br />1.16 @ the house of blues. <br /><br />guess who is going....ME! and andrea. hahah..merry christmas. <br /><br />soco shows always have great line ups. like last year it was with mae and rx bandits. and im super stoked to see straylight run *i promise i wont cry* and the academy is. <br /><br />cant wait to see andrew mc mahon jump on top of his piano again...mmm. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:118573 2004-12-02T06:26:39Z 2004-12-02T06:26:39Z well i'm glad i progressed from romantic comedies in one night to realistic times for a week. <br /><br />it was so odd last night. at first i was angry and said all the things that i knew would make him feel horrible but i had to say because it was the truth. <br /><br />but i understood where he was coming from. damn me and understanding people. <br /><br />the thing is...we might be the same age, and we might be mature. but him and i are in 2 totally different places...he's just getting used to college--looking for something to feel like home in a time of uncertainty. I, am getting used to being content and making myself happy and being an amazing person--overall--school wise, business wise. i've been here longer. he's still got some growing to do...as do i, just in different ways. <br /><br />then me and andrea sat there and boy bashed for a while. <br />and i admitted that maybe i was just in love with the fact that for once in my life i was handling things in a civilzed manner..maybe i was more in love with myself than the idea of me and him. <br />then we went through the reasons why it never would've worked and 2 things came to mind:<br /><br />1. he wasnt a music junkie. and i know that sounds so shallow, but i dont expect people to agree with me completely on music...but at least have an opinion. music is such a huge part of my life, it was so odd that the first music convo i had with him was mlast night and it was dissapointing. <br /><br />2. sure...he made me smile and giggle, but he didn't make me laugh the way i know is possible. i mean, sure he had a sense of humor...but i love laughing and if i cant be in that state of utter stupidity of laughing at nothing or something with someone...its hard to imagine how i'd be able to date them. <br /><br />and indeed. i am dissapointed...but i played it smart, and therefore im not crying or overly upset. it was seriously just another standard of how i know i should be treated. <br /><br />and i know someone is out there...really, and he'll make me laugh and we'll talk about music and he'll treat me well. <br /><br />and it kinda sucks that i have to spend another winter alone..but who knows? its always unexpected. and til then...i will be content with things like <b>40% off at kenneth cole tomorrow morning!</b> god bless my mother. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:118481 2004-12-01T08:21:23Z 2004-12-01T08:21:23Z back to saying things nobody else will that i know i need to hear:<br /><br />baby...you're gonna be just fine. you've just made an amazing friend, and who knows maybe one day he'll be in that place that he thought he was in. <br /><br />but you made him think twice, and he made you think twice. and that's enough to prove that you two think youre amazing people. and amazing people are hard to come by. <br /><br />as promised, you will not go looking for someone to replace what you guys thought u had. because nobody could possibly do that. <br /><br />and you still deserve the world. and right now...you're the only person who knows how to give that to yourself. <br /><br />&lt;3<br />yourself. <br /><br />and in the end. i still make myself smile. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:118087 2004-11-29T17:18:45Z 2004-11-29T17:18:45Z "____ is not a coincidence. it's because you're ready" <br /><br />i've got andrea's approval, written on a book of matches. <br /><br />oh stupid feelings. oh stupid being ready. oh so stupid because i absolutely adore myself. hahaha<br /><br />my mother told me to practice my etiquette. uh...im not going to state dinners any time soon. <br /><br />really...i make MYSELF smile. and even through all of this, with him and all of that good emotional junk *haha im horrible* what makes me smile even more is because i know i deserve this, and i know i can handle it and at the same time i know i wasn't wishing for it. he's just someone i think i can share that with. <br /><br />he knows he has so much to prove to me and that doesn't scare him. for once in my life there is a guy who knows he isn't going to have me just instantly...because for once in my life, i won't let him. <br /><br />so sure, he doesn't have messy hair but he does have pretty eyes, and he doesn't look or dress like a californian, but he dresses so well *score for european influence in ottawa and montreal!*, and it doesn't make much sense to me but it does..<br /><br />i believe unconventional is the theme here. <br /><br />so as if the entire day and dinner with him wasn't enough. STUPID ANDREA had to make me almost cry at pick me up. good job =) i swear the servers there think we're insane. <br /><br />this is kinda scary really. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:117979 2004-11-26T05:42:44Z 2004-11-26T05:42:44Z love. family. friends. the things i take for granted. myself. second chances. trials because they make us stronger. free will. comfort. phones. planes. faith. passion. art. even more love. you. music. my talents. my sense of style. SHOES. sunshine. the fact that my father is in the mafia *also known as, he just knows how to manage his money*. education. choices. the ocean. the things that make me randomly smile. third, fourth and upteenth chances. beauty in the world. the first snow yesterday. <br /><br />it's been a long time since i've been this happy. and i've got a whole lot to be thankful for. within the past 3 weeks i have been shown that..through the silent strengthening of friendships to my mom being able to randomly fly out here for the weekend because she knew i needed someone, to seeing my old school girls who have known me since i was 13 telling me how grown up i am and how proud they are, to having my sister and cousin here so that i could be with family on this holiday to being friends with potential *stolen from say anything* it just makes me happy.<br /><br />and i'm still working on everything. there's a whole lot left to work on. but i just couldnt let this holiday go by without me expressing my thanks to everyone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:117609 2004-11-24T04:36:31Z 2004-11-24T04:36:31Z dude...the punches just don't stop do they? <br /><br />on the other hand...i had an intentions talk last night. well at 12:56 this morning. which lasted bout45 minutes. i know...me, intentions talk? whoa. i didn't cry. i wasn't lied to. i was nervous though. but yeah, its the first intentions talk where i woke up the next morning with a dorky smile on my face.<br /><br />i think its stupid though. right as i was okay with being single and all of that jazz. the stupid canadian who isnt really canadian because his father was a diplomat and they moved all over the world but he was born in kansas now he goes to school at the university of chicago, has to throw this at me. <br /><br />he's smart. like...intelligent thinker smart. and as much as i hate politics i find it super cool that hisf ather was a diplomat and his thoughts of what the society he wants to live in should be. and its rare to find someone like that. i mean...i go to loyola where we're much more into doing things...serving others, acting out such things. and i admire those who do that. but sometimes...the things this kid says just amaze me. okay. im done. <br /><br />so i mean, we're kinda just gonna hang out see where it goes, no pressure *spoken out loud but always in the back of our mind* and it's an option. but i will continue to focus on myself as a person and its fun waking up in the morning and smiling and knowing that I make MYSELF smile. but i do think at the very least, as friends, he's the type of person who can help me grow. <br /><br />it's really funny when you find someone who thinks along the same lines as you do. deviled egging. oh man. <br />but im trying hard...he just gets one. or two. but NOT all of them. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:117436 2004-11-21T20:37:20Z 2004-11-21T20:37:20Z THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:<br />1. Shanti<br />2. Shants<br />3. Shex...hahaha fun story bout this one. <br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:<br />1. I'm open minded<br />2. I'm a balance between artsy fartsy and business minded<br />3. I'm from southern california. 'nuf said. =)<br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:<br />1. I dont give myself enough credit<br />2. I expect way too much out of people only to be crushed<br />3. I crumble my napkins when i'm eating...seriously, by the end theyre always in balls. <br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:<br />1. the male population and their egos. <br />2. why my viscom professor doesnt like david carson<br />3. why i dont like waffles in the morning. <br /><br />THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:<br />1. my landlord hahaha..<br />2. how my legs are so short that i cant fully extend my arm when carrying my art portfolio every tuesday and thursday<br />3. when creepy 40 year old men try and talk to me when im on the el platform alone and intoxicated.<br /><br />THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:<br />1. anything u would see in a scary movie <br />2. my own mind. <br />3. bugs. oh i hate bugs. <br /><br />THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:<br />1. music...u wont see me walking alone without headphones. <br />2. my body shop hemp hand protector...<br />3. my u-pass. hahaha<br /><br />THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:<br />1. pink floyd <br />2. brand new <br />3. the format...<br />*i didnt list artists like jack johnson because it said bands, however you know jack would be up there instantly*<br /><br /><br />THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS @ THE MOMENT:<br />1. In the Sun by Joseph Arthur<br />2. Bedroom talk by the starting line <br />3. Pale September by Fiona Apple <br /><br />THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:<br />1. andrea. hahaha i live with her. <br />2. april<br />3. my managers. haha<br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:<br />1. paint <br />2. a backflip <br />3. play soul to squeeze by red hot chili peppers. haha<br /><br />THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:<br />1. Art. graphic design mostly... <br />2. anything surf related. whether it be surfing or watching surfing docs and so on <br />3. rocking out on edGAR and writing what comes to mind and heart. hahaa<br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE:<br />1. my MAC. i know i'll get it soon. <br />2. the sand on my toes. <br />3. the kenneth cole leather jacket that i want every year...but blow my money on other things. <br /><br />THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:<br />1. Public Relations <br />2. Advertising<br />3.Wedding planner. i know. shut up..i like planning events and i like invitations. <br /><br />THREE COLORS YOU LIKE:<br />1. periwinkle <br />2. blue<br />3. the pretty brown. <br /><br />THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON A HOLIDAY: im gonna assume by holiday they mean vacation which reminds me of..number 1. <br />1. australia...<br />2. south africa <br />3. barcelona<br /><br />THREE THINGS YOU JUST DID TODAY:<br />1. ate mc donalds because im that hungover. <br />2. jammed out on edGAR<br />3. watched a nifty french movie . urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:117000 2004-11-20T23:36:10Z 2004-11-20T23:36:10Z i was walking home the other night...i dont even remember from where but i was walking down sheffield. and i just started thinking...and for the first time since everything i just felt really sad bout things i didnt feel outwardly sad bout before. it was kind of a quiet meltdown, and i started tearing up and i was about to wish that someone would be around to hold my hand through it or something. and then i shoved my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt and clasped em together as if i was holding my own hand and just kept walking. and i was okay. <br /><br />i was talking to this kid i kinda know, and he was just talking bout how he feels he is going to be alone for the rest of his life--and its nto like he's the type of person who u would think would feel this way, he's pretty good looking, funny, just an overall cool person. but then i thought bout how i feel that way a whole lot...and i kinda remember what i told him. I told him that i think the same thing too sometimes, but for the time being there is no use obsessing over it, and i was going to take the time that i am single to focus on myself to make myself a better person-for me, for the person i'll end up with, and for people in general. but that it all started with me, within myself. and he was like "ive never thought of that, maybe i should start doing it too." <br /><br />and i was kind of inspired to not just make that some empty phrase i tell people who are sad bout being single, but to make it a reality. <br /><br />i think each and every person in the world has something different to offer someone else and that you cant really expect someone else to appreciate and take what u have to offer unless you yourself appreciate it and are comfortable with the fact that u are willing to give it away, but at the same time, its not just for anyone. <br /><br />the other night andrea and i went to pick me up and i was going nuts over some situation between me and the canadian. and on the way home we were just talking bout everything...and i realized, im not the type of person, or shouldnt allow myself to be the type of person, who is so in love with the idea of being in love that if they met someone they would expect that person to fit into their notion of them being in love. i wont really know what i want from someone, until i meet them. <br /><br />i mean sure, there are times where im like, it would be nice to have someone around sometimes. but when i say that its not like i mean just anyone. i always told myself to be picky with who i was actually in relationships with, but i used to do it just because i would want that amount of emotions to be invested in someone and something worthy of that much emotion, that much love and the occasions of that much hurt. <br /><br />but...when my mom was here, she told me a few things. i need to value myself...know how much im worth, realize it and believe it. she also told me that my father cries because he says "never in my life, did i ever think that i would love my daughter more that much more than she loves herself." <br /><br />and im trying. i realize it, i am only responsible for myself. i only have myself to take care of, i am what i have. and i need to value myself, and realize my self worth. because...i dont. this may sound arrogant, but i really think sometimes i forget what an amazing person i am. i mean, i know it but i dont believe it, i dont show it, i dont take care of myself the way that i need to. so how can i expect someone else to do that for me, if i cant do it on my own? <br /><br />i expect so much out of people, but sometimes i think i dont meet my own expectations. <br /><br />so i'm trying. trying to rediscover my self worth. everything from the physical to the spiritual. i need to believe again. so im working out, cutting back on the drinking *although these past few days havent reflected that* because it sucks when my body feels like shit from being hungover, and doing the simple small things that make me smile-the weird quirks that i have that i dont tell just anyone. <br /><br />its amazing...how much good can come out of such a not so lovely situation. i'm a beautiful person, inside and out *i looked damn hot last night by the way* and i have respect for myself. and i know that until i believe that, until i love myself as much as i would want anyone else to love me...then it's cool if i'm single. <br /><br />and i'm sure he's out there...and not just "the one" but the few good ones and maybe not so great ones that i'll encounter before i finally get to settling down *oh gross* and he may not be the boy with messy hair and pretty eyes who surfs and is an artist and a musician and has an awesome job and a cool dog and who loves music as much as i do...and all of the small things that make up my perfect man. but...i know he'll be amazing because i'll be amazing. and it will all work out just fine. it will be like the closest thing by juliana theory. hahaha...oh im a dork. <br /><br />=) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:116922 2004-11-15T15:36:29Z 2004-11-15T15:40:20Z i'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married and you're all mine now.<br /><br />oh the starting line. you make me happy.<br /><br />my mom was here this weekend. she rocks. <br /><br />and now...lenes and leriss and a whole buncha other people are gonna be in town this weekend. <br /><br />then my 2 favorite 14 year old psychotic socal girls come out for thanksgiving. <br /><br />meanwhile...i hate boys. <br /><br />and kelly..im so sorry hun bout your arm, let me know if i can do anything at all. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:116229 2004-11-11T22:17:32Z 2004-11-11T22:17:32Z sometimes i feel like im married. and im not even in a relationship. its kidna cool though, because its like im married without the attraction. <br />for example...i was supposed to go over to my boys' apartment the other night bc gus was making dinner..and last minute i was like "i cant go. dont wanna talk bout it" and he said "but hunny i made you chicken!" granted, i didnt go. but i found it funny. <br />then on tuesday, he was talking bout how he knows too many people and it got annoying, and i was like "oh shut up" and he's like "but all i need to know is you hun." <br />and i made fun of him. <br /><br />then last night i had a long talk with dave about everything and that was nice. he tells me he may not ever say it, but he worries about me then realizes that im a good kid and that i can get through whatever im going through. that made me happy. <br /><br />i was thinking about all of this as i was walking home today, since its about 38 degrees and i just started smiling...i mean sure, maybe gus lives in denial and he's an idiot sometimes but he'll learn..and maybe dave is nuts, and maybe they both hook up with really ugly girls sometimes and like to talk about inappropriate things at the wrong times but...i'm glad theyre my boys. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:116218 2004-11-09T23:55:51Z 2004-11-09T23:55:51Z i dont know where to start. <br />i came clean...told my parents everything last night. <br />and it was horrible. <br /><br />i was crying hysterically afterwards, no words of comfort, no questions, no asking if i was okay. straight up God talk. telling me i had to live with myself and i needed to find God...and i understand why the did it...they were shocked, and in a time of uncertainty it was the only thing they could say. the only thing they knew how to say. <br /><br />but it sent me back to where i was before. and hurt. and threw everything back in my face that ive worked so hard to get through. <br /><br />but they didnt ask...but i know. i know where my heart is. I know how i feel about this spiritually...i know what society and the church and our faith says about it. But i've been working hard to know what i say and what i feel and how me and God are gonna work through that. and im working on it...<br /><br />im so tired of waiting for you guys to say the right things at the right times to make me feel better. im so tired of need validation from other people about how i should feel, and when they say something else it gets me so riled up, that i automatically think maybe i am wrong. so i decided...<br /><br />im gonna start telling myself the things i need to hear. and im gonna start with...im still a good person. and then im gonna say...everything will be okay. and then..im gonna tell myself that this isnt about anyone but me and God.<br /><br />i was so angry...hurt, that they didnt provide the comfort i needed last night. <br /><br />then my mother called me, asked me if i was working this weekend, then told me to call them and say i couldnt. she's coming into town. i asked why and she said "because thats the kinda thing a mother does.." <br /><br />i called my father. and he sounded so sick. and he said "please continue to talk to me, im nto that hard shanti..." and i almost died right then and there. i started crying and told him i loved him and he said "im holding you shant, i am." and i started crying hysterically told him i had to go and hung up. <br /><br />i told myself today that it was okay that they didnt give me the comfort i thought i was gonna find, because i found it somewhere else...but maybe as time passed, theyd provide it to me in a different way. and i see it...they are...they wouldnt leave me alone like this...God wouldnt let them. they wouldnt let themselves...<br /><br />and i cant tell you how through all of this...its really weird to feel how blessed i really am. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:115915 2004-11-05T14:55:38Z 2004-11-05T14:55:38Z so i was walking home by myself last night...and i was scrolling down my phone to see who i could call to keep me company. knowing very well there was only one person i really wanted to call and that i really couldnt do it. well for the common sense reasons, and the other reason being well, his number isnt in my phone anymore. <br /><br />i really don't get guys and their egos. Like, when i tell my boys about a guy, any guy that i actually like or a guy some other hot girl likes, they freak out and usually the first words they say are "he's probably a douche bag." They flip when there is someone there as a threat, dumb asses-he's not really a threat at all. <br /><br />And the Scott thing. it's killing me. i REALLY hate losing friends, in my mind its one of the saddest things ever, and it's not like i lost him because of something i did, well besides being hot and awesome but still, i lost him because <b>he</b> thought it was a bigger deal than it actually was, his ego was bruised by something he did, that i really just...didnt care about at all. <br />and now he has to subconciously push me away because he needs to build his ego back up. yes. its all lovely. i realize that this isn't about me at all, but it still sucks.<br /><br />on the other hand..earlier last night was super awesome. the OC,eh couldve been a better season premiere since all the interesting worth gasping for stuff happened towards the end. i've missed seth cohen a whole lot. and then jess, corie, andrea, kerry and i played catch phrase which is hillarious when i play with them. then schmiz persuaded me to go out, even though i didnt want to or didnt look the part to, but it is hamiltons anything goes. <br /><br />i would like to say that i made it through a thursday night at hammies, completely sober. not a single drink. <br /><br />oh. and...the canadian. absolutely amazes me. the other day he was trying to explain to me why he loves the rain and he started talking bout how it brings out these rich tones, and i said well, it all kinda looks gray to me and he then told me...rainy days have that quality of matte photos that he likes. and i almost died. obviously he said it in such a profound artsy way that made me sit there and wonder if i could just marry him right then and there and then i figured i should just try and see what he was talking bout, and i still dont dig on the rain that much but i kinda see it. And what rocks about it...is he isn't an artist, he's a poli sci major. and its always these profound thoughts mixed in with stupid conversations that we have, and he always says them at the right time. *shrug* :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:heartbroken76:115456 2004-11-03T00:46:53Z 2004-11-03T00:46:53Z okay. it being election day i just have a few things to say...<br /><br />1. i hate politics from the bottom of my heart. about as much as people hate the media. <br />2. no, i didnt vote today...because i couldnt make the right decision, i couldnt find it in my heart or my mind to vote for either bush or kerry. <br /><br />God gave us free will, seriously, he did in hopes that we would make the right decision. and by right i do not mean what is right according to the law of the church, or what this priest says or what the holy God squad kids say either. Right is when you know, and youre in perfect harmony, with your mind, your heart and God. <br /><br />now today, a guy i knew from back home asked me if i voted. i said no and gave him my explanation why. he said sometimes u just have to vote for the lesser of evils. i said who did you vote for...he said bush. i said, i gave money to the democrats but i was still torn. <br />he said <b>so you believe in abortion and cloning</b><br /><br />and i told him that i believe i'm prochoice in the fact that unless youre in those shoes yourself-you have NO clue what theyre going through and have NO right to judge. <br />and what he said to me...hurt. bad. <br />he said <b>"i dont believe you! you cant be catholic and be prochoice. MAKE A DECISION"</b><br /><br />i wasnt so much angry. but more so hurt...with everything that has been going on. i've had to find things deep down in myself to know that i can be a person who believes in God and yet has conflicting views with a lot of what the catholic church teaches. And i don't think God just sees things in black and white...he knows there is definitely some gray matter in there. <br /><br />And i've said this time and time again, i respect people who are passionate about such political and controversial subjects...but i'm not an extremist, because i have and always will be much more passionate about love. <br /><br />so please...please people, just try and be a bit more loving.